What are you unwilling to feel?
This past week has felt like a test of our humanity. We are navigating turbulence and uncertainty as Covid-19 spreads around the globe. Many of our fellow humans are dealing with pain, suffering, and loss. Our health care colleagues are fighting Covid-19 on the front lines at the risk of exposure and death. Food delivery and grocery store employees are showing up at work so that we can eat. The dedication and resilience I see around me is inspiring.
But there have been moments of helplessness, frustration, anxiety, and blame. While these feelings are normal responses to a challenging situation, it is important for us to manage them skillfully. Not so easy to do! We need to prepare ourselves for the inevitable feelings of fear and loss that will arise in the weeks and months ahead.
I am reminded of a talk given by Tara Brach, PhD, psychologist, meditation teacher, and author.
She tells the story of a group of people who traveled to a remote area to seek wisdom from a sage. When they reached him, he first swore them to secrecy. Then he asked: What are you unwilling to feel?
What are you unwilling to feel?
Typically, we are unwilling to feel unpleasant emotions or painful sensations. We push them away or back off from them. We find ways to escape by reaching for a snack, a drink, or scrolling through social media feeds. We also judge ourselves for having the feeling, or blame others for our feelings, or we become numb.
What does it mean to be willing to feel?
It means “Being with” an unpleasant emotion. To “be with” means to stick around with the feeling. To feel where in the body the emotion is expressing itself. Just notice the feeling, without judgement, and bring compassion to it. Compare it to how you respond to an upset child. You stay with an upset, crying child until they get in touch with what it is they need.
How can we “be with” an unpleasant feeling?
It takes courage and practice to be with our unpleasant feelings. I suggest a 30-minute guided meditation by Tara Brach. There are four suggested steps. They form the acronym “RAIN”:
- Recognize what is happening. Become aware and name it.
- Allow it to be just as it is. Don’t try to change it, push it away or fix it.
- Investigate with a gentle attention. Where are you feeling it in the body? What is it trying to say?
- Nurture with kind attention
What is important about this?
When emotions are not tended to, they can cloud our clarity. When we are willing to feel them, bring compassion and kindness to them, we gain clarity and increase our ability to be with others in their challenging moments. When we no longer push away our anxiety or fear, we can more easily provide a safe space for others to feel theirs.
How are you staying calm, empathic, and resourceful while allowing yourself the space to feel the fear and uncertainty?
My desire for you over the coming weeks is health, safety, clarity, and calm.