What do you really really want?

Do you know what you really want, deep down inside, with your whole heart and soul?

If you’re having difficulty answering this question, you’re not alone.

What makes this question challenging?

• It may feel selfish or greedy. “It doesn’t matter what I want. It matters more what others need.” Or, “I have everything I need. Why want more?”
• It may seem unrealistic, “There’s no way I’m going to get that promotion I want. There are better qualified candidates.”
• All you hear is your mind racing and you remember you must empty the dishwasher and prepare lunch for tomorrow. “Who has time for this unproductive navel gazing?”
• It can be tough to distinguish your own wants from expectations. You might hear a “want” and then you replace it with, “I should want this other thing instead.”

When I first seriously asked myself this question, I found it very challenging. I had some of the responses above. Plus, the judgement of, “if you don’t know what you want by now, it’s too late!” But I found that the more I sat with this question, letting it percolate, I started to reach into the depths of my yearning.

I invite you to sit with me and ask:

“What do I really really want with my heart, mind, and soul?”

Then listen. Beyond the mind chatter.

What do you hear? What do you see in your mind’s eye? What memory pops in your head of a time when you were doing that thing that made you come alive?

Then write down everything that comes up. Include things that seem selfish, silly, or impossible. When you think you’re done, write some more. Have at least 20 different “things” you want. In your life, career, relationships, community, environment. The first few things you come up with may be part of an old story or societal expectation. When you start digging deeper, you may have some surprises. Keep asking, what else? Until you get to at least 20.

Next, for each of the 20 things, write down why you want it. What will happen once you have that? What does that represent to you?

When I made my list, one of the things I wanted was: To own my own business. My why: I value autonomy and freedom. For me, that represented the ability to work anywhere in the world and spend time with my family in South Africa whenever I wanted.

The Rolling Stones sang, You can’t always get what you want. We know this is true. What is also true for me is this: When I don’t know what I want and why I want it, my life lacks direction and purpose.

If you found this exercise helpful, you may also enjoy this visioning exercise to help you create a vision for your life.